I looked around at the piles of books in my vacinity and saw, “I had to Survive,” by Roberto Canessa, and “The Rogue Artist’s Survival Guide.” by Rafi. Survival mode is all I knew for the past three and a half years in the “family court” system. I joke about my “Binary Lola Theory” in which the…(usually) men..or whoever has money and power is like Lola in Copacabana “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets,” while the (usually) women or person without money and power, are as if in the 1999 German film “Run Lola Run.” Andes survivor, Eduardo Strauch says in his book “Out of the Silence,” In those endless hours of waiting, our thoughts run and explore everything around us, like a desperate animal that seeks only with it’s eyes and sense of smell.” No wonder I had a hard time hearing the court officials as they berated me for not hearing them. I was petrified.

Part of our survival mode was being on food stamps. I still don’t understand how this happened when he makes six figures and is teamed up with a multimillionaire… oh right… money and power. Eduardo Strauch also states, “The lack of nourishment was not only making us weak and tired, but making us profoundly restless, like any animal desperately hunting for sustenance, digging frantically in the ground, running back and forth, sniffing every last corner within its reach, confronting any danger, waiting hours at the entrance to a cave, overcoming the impossible, developing unforseen skills, traveling miles along unfamiliar terrain.” Perfectly put.

How can one thrive, and therefore raise thriving children while in such a state? Unfortunately this describes how it felt being a protective mother doing the right thing, and I hear others have experienced similar circumstances. Now that I’m peeking my head out of that cave, scary as it may be, I think of the children and know it’s worth it.